Dear Evan,
Why
don’t men hate being single as much as women do? I know you say most
men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in
getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem
to drag their heels.
Some of the things I hate about
being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and
emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having
someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social
gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to
at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden
of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of
quality sex available.
Surely these things apply to men
just as much as women? If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up
and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like
we are? Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are
going” early on in the relationship? A lot of men my age seem
uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more
casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. Do men
actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of
disappointing dates? Or does it all simply come down to the
capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with
practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a
woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang
on to him?! Your insights would be much appreciated. -Elaine
Dear Elaine,
Love. This. Question.
I
particularly love your list of what sucks about being single. As a guy
who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that – all
things remaining equal – having a good relationship is a far superior
state of being than being alone.
(This does not mean that I look
down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying
relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.)
My
assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video
games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they
give up one or both.
But what gets me the most
excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that
I’ve never actually considered before:
Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?
My
assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video
games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they
give up one or both.
Funny, but probably not the entire picture.
So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women:
1.
Low investment, low return. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this
tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships.
When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker,
talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking
up. This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs – for companionship,
for laughs, for fun.
Men are more likely to define
themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What
kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?
As I look
at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly
content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. My
mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the
musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week,
she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee…
and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular
sex, life is pretty much okay as it is.
I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. Which brings us to…
2.
Self-definition. Men are more likely to define themselves by their
careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive?
How big is my TV?
This is unfortunate and short-sighted because
nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64”
Vizio. But hey, that’s men.
Women, who are, in general, more
emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their
relationships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be
disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more
work and (sometimes) play.
Then again, many of my smart, strong,
successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and
emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that
they’re really, really lonely. I can only imagine there are millions of
women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in
that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love.
Which brings us to…
3. Communication styles. I’ve said it before,
I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help. And
nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.
A few thoughts off the top of my head:
•
Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men. I
remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. 1 in 48
men.
• 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women.
Seriously, apart from “The Game” have you ever seen a relationship book
for men that’s sold in airport bookstores?
• Women maintain closer
friendships throughout life. My mom talks to her best friend every day.
She has friends who talk to their daughters every day. I’m as sensitive
as they come and I talk to my best friends in New York about once a
month.
In other words, even if men feel the emotional need to
connect, they rarely reach out to do so – with each other, with their
families, and with you.
Women talk about their feelings with much
greater frequency and intensity, further feeding the perception/reality
that they care more about relationships.
4. Sex – Perhaps Charlie
Sheen said it best, years ago, when talking about his predilection for
prostitutes: “I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”
There
are a decent number of men out there who don’t really desire the same
kind of relationship as you do. Their needs are met by their male
friendships and their careers and the last thing they want to do is hold
your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.
You can tell who these men
are because when they’re not with you, you don’t exist. They’ll call
you once a week to hook up and that’s all. These guys play on their
terms, not yours and are a total waste of time to any woman trying to
forge something real and lasting. It’s like trying to teach a fish to
ride a bicycle. In my experience, there are very few women who treat men
as if they’re good for nothing but sex.
So yeah, a man’s ability to separate sex and love is another valid reason he’s not terribly upset when he’s single.
The last thing men want to do is hold your purse when shopping at Nordstrom.
5.
Expectations about relationships. I think this is the most important
point of all. Women expect their relationships to be transcendent. They
expect the man to illuminate and inspire. You remember “Eat, Pray,
Love,” right? “You don’t need a man. You need a champion.”
Guys
don’t work that way. We want someone who is attractive, who doesn’t
criticize us or tell us how much we need to change, who we can spend
lots of time with without getting bored, who we can bring around our
friends and families with minimal incident.
You don’t have to play fantasy football.
You don’t have to make six figures.
You don’t have to have washboard abs.
You don’t have to have an M.B.A.
You don’t have to be spiritual.
As a result, most men can date lots of women.
Women – at least my clients – can only date .0001% of men.
Elizabeth
Gilbert, in her follow-up to “Eat, Pray, Love,” called “Committed”,
explores these outlandish expectations that Western women have for love –
which are nothing like what women in other cultures experience. As a
result, Western women are very disappointed in their men, whereas men
aren’t nearly as disappointed in women.
In other words, we think you’re fine as you are.
We just hate the fact that you need us to change so much.
As
a result of all of these biological and societal observations about
men, it shouldn’t be too surprising that there are no Time Magazine
cover stories or best-selling books about desperate men.
We can
separate sex and love, we define ourselves by our work, we don’t lack
dating options, we get 95% of our needs met without female
companionship, and we don’t talk about relationships nearly as much.
If
there’s anything I missed, please let me know. Guys, please chime in
here. Why are you okay not being in a relationship – and how is this
different than the women you know?