By Joseph Akhaome
- 2face
Being text of a speech delivered at the
emergency meeting of the association of Single Nigerian Males upon
receipt of news of Annie Macaulay and 2face’s Valentine day engagement.
Comrades, dear friends and fellow
brothers, it is indeed with a deep sense of loss we announce the exit of
one of our most prominent and key members, Innocent Ujah Idibia, or
2baba, from our most esteemed and rapidly expanding club on February 14,
2012.
This development, utterly surprising to
members of SNM, is the reason we have gathered here virtually on short
notice to re-strategise and plot the way forward, and I wish to thank
you for leaving your very leisurely, commitment-free lifestyles to
honour our call. Once again thank you most sincerely.
This ‘Valentine Day Massacre’, as it now
appears to be, is one that is capable of rapidly depleting our ranks
almost irreparably, bearing in mind the huge influence the subject has
on the majority of SNM members worldwide. It is our singular agenda
today to arrive at decisions that will repair our tainted credibility,
and dissuade the likely mass exodus of members from our club that this
action may engender.
While we do not wish to appear as an
anti-progress organisation, thereby joining the rest of the populace in
wishing the couple the best ahead, we cannot but feel a bit of
resentment at the unexpected turn of events.
For one, an appropriate heads up of the
move by 2baba would have been appreciated, and would have helped us to
better prepare against the attack on our reputation. However, the bad
sharp guy rubbed it in by proposing to his African Queen during this
year’s lover’s day celebration, at a notable ex-footballer and master
dribbler’s club. Mr. Idibia, we are not amused by the irony.
However, as with other storms, such as
the one caused by Naeto C late last year, we shall see this one through,
as always. We trust the able efforts of prime officials like Mr.
Endowed, who will restore pride in our organisation with the help of Mr
Capable from image and branding department, supported by Mr Incredible
from the propaganda section.
Our hearts go out to certain
distinguished members of our sister organization, Single Nigerian
Females; namely Pero Adeniyi and Sunmbo Ajaba on their loss of the
coveted title of Mrs. Idibia to Annie Macaulay. It must feel
dis-heartening, and we empathise with you. However, with the help of
strong members like Genevienne, Dita Rominic, Sunmi Iyandah, and
veteran, Weird MD, we shall endeavour to make your stay in our fold more
comfortable, and provide you with tools to advance our cause.
2face Idibia was an outstanding member
of our union, and his ability to hold on to our values even after three
official girlfriends, five children with a sixth on the way and 14 years
of elusive dating is remarkable, and proves him to be a master in the
art of using smokescreens. Sadly, being only human, he finally succumbed
to mounting pressures. I wish to categorically state here that our
membership support system is capable of handling any emotional problems
and can’t see why the Hypertek N*gga failed to enlist their help during
his moment of weakness. Nonetheless, his highly documented skills will
be surely preserved for posterity. He will be missed by all.
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